Impregnated by goddess
Yesterday, when we were leaving Paris to come to Rome, a nice French man at the kiosk in Orly asked me if I was pregnant. I’m not. I am full of feminine energy, not just gluten intolerance, I promise.
People have been asking me this for over 10 years, Ever since I had a deep awakening on a retreat in the woods in upstate New York. In an instant taking everything in with all my senses (sober btw) I felt my womb fill with light and push up and out the most intense perch of repressed emotions. Her light came into me and I went mad with the most tenderly fierce love. After that, I could no longer suck my stomach and or wear pants restricted the front of my womb and abdomen.
The womb awakening in 2011 happened right before I got sober, when I was in silence on a retreat doing a Tantric meditation. On the same retreat was when body temple seed was planted during an ecstatic dance class I took, while I was in silence, and they played like a prayer by Madonna and I had this complete initiation into the ways the goddess shows up through everything, even pop songs that resonate deeply.
Like I said, I felt the energy of the earth rising to my body, and after the emotional release, I felt pregnant with light for a long time, still today, when I tap in. Years later in India, when I had another deep initiation, and took my vow with the Goddess in Hanuman’s mom Janaki Mata’s temple in Maharastra (a mystical experience, not with another human), I felt infested, infected with light. It was very intense and took time with women who understood how to exist in both worlds for me to both come back into my body in a full, clear and more healthy way. This is at the foundation of body temple.
During one of my many womb initiations, there were sleepless nights, overwhelming, creative, and sexual energy, taking over my whole body, discomfort, emotional pain and grief, resulting in screams in the shower uncontrollably, and suicidal ideation as my lineage of abuse and addiction was being purged out of the house of my body. It was an intense dark night of the soul. At the same time, a rebellion of radical truth.
Honesty, and no longer hiding under the people, pleasing, contorting and controlling through crazy relational patterns and behaviors of unworthiness and betrayal (three of swords all day). It’s taken years to heal and learn and forgive from the mistakes and mess it all made. But it’s given me back more life and love than I could’ve imagined both within and with others. It has expanded my capacity to be with people’s suffering immensely, and that has a huge part of how and why I do the creative embodiment transformational work I do with people. It helped me grow and develop the skills relationally that most people don’t have.
I’m so lucky to have been burned by her flames and found in her ashes.
Nature saved me. Women saved me. Writing saved me. Going deep into getting support and not stopping. Save me. Grace save me. Somatic education save me. Mattress save me. Sex education save me. Goddess saved me. Love saved me.
Being skinny as what we’ve been conditioned is the optimal thing and even “healthy.” Now I know in the mainstream in America obesity is a huge issue stemming from so much including the capitalism and fast food and the economic crises and poverty and power and so on.
But in the priviledged healing world, I can tell you this is not always true. I’ve worked with many women who did not eat enough, and who struggled and also overcome intense eating disorders.
I can track all this back to the nervous system, addiction, dependence, the Mother, fear of death, and why we are this way, which will get into in our free fall series called Take Up Space, but for now let me just say that letting ourselves soften and find safety within, is no small thing.
Working with your nervous system can help you heal all kinds of things, I’m living testament, especially when it comes to relationships to our bodies to love and living fully in our lives. But being who and where you are today it’s just as lovable as any other time in the past or in the future.
We can prior capacity to receive aligned in divine love, yes, but ultimately it is our true nature. Love is what we are.
I am nothing without love. When I am lost is because she is there helping me remember I am not in control. When I am found, there is relief but the dance we came to play as much more interesting. It forces me to grow past where I think as possible. Create new worlds where there was just waste. Welcome all parts of this powerful earth to penetrate me. Redemption is my middle name.
I am nothing without the love that made me. I owe everything to her, always. There are no experts on love. Skills, yes, but love itself is a Great Mystery. One that won’t be named or tamed for too long.
She’s what you feel when you remember who you truly are.
She is you.
