The searching—an inheritance of debt, doubt and disempowerment

Losing my father to addiction at 24 and burying him on my 25th birthday (this year will be 15 years!) has shaped my life.

For a long time it shaped my identity in a super painful and unfortunate way. Why would I bother to try and be great, to help people, to change the ways I relate to others and myself, to shift the inheritance of debt, doubt and disempowerment?

I  don’t dwell on the experience because I  can’t let it go, trust me I’ve explored that to every end. Exploring it is what creates even deeper grooves of accepantce and access to the power in me that get otherwise muted by the monotony and suffering of minor threats in the day to day.

This is what healing our trauma does, helps us remember the immense light, passion, devotion and purpose we carry.

I continue to relate to my wounds because they are where the secrets of my aliveness live. It reminds me that I am not them, but that I came here to take care in ways I  have never seen.

What helps me remember that I am here to help, to serve and to show up for what I  don’t yet know.

Because I  am an intutive healer and relating to those in the spirit realm is what helps me do the fierce work in this physical realm.

Some people pray to Jesus, I  talk to my dead ancestors and get help form my angels.

Ove these ten years of healing in sobriety, I  found that the pain doesn’’t go away, the core ababdonment wound is always there, waiting for me like an old friend who loves me so much she doesn’t mind if I have to burn a little in order to comnit to being here, fully alive.

My identity with being a child of an addict and a dysfuntional family has served me with both the repetition of the pattern in my own relationships, as well as the balm that I needed to heal them.

In 2015 I  moved to California and went through a breakup that almost killed me. Because of the nature of the relationship, I didn’t feel safe sharing my expereince with almost anyone I knew. I  had told two people about what I was going through, and a bunch of strangers in SLAA and Al-Anon.

The emotional pain, grief and trauma that came up was invisible to the human eye, but felt like it was literally going to kill me. The same way my fathers emotional pain masked by addiciton killed him.

I sat awake for almost 9 months straight battling wiht the demons of my lineage.

Drugs, denial, debt, doubt, disempowerment, dread, disgust, depression, delusion.

It was there screaming at me, yet I was awake in a different way beacuse of the Grace that came through my healing and training with yoga, meditation, Tantra, energy healing and so much more I had already been immersed in for over five years. 

The only thing I  could do with my trauma then was sing, dance and write. I  couldn’t stand all the intensity of energy in me and how everyone I  knew didn’t understand they layer of depth I was accessing. Some would call it manic, bi-polar, depression, anxiety…but I was coming alive in an embodied way.

WIth every swim in the cold Pacific (almost daily,) every hike up Topanga’s mountains, every piece of writing I hesitantly read to A small group of non judgemetnal women and one man in my writing class, to every person I chanted with in the yoga studios that fired me because to them yoga wasn’t about God and to me I needed everything to make it.

This is one of the many ways this work saved my life and continues to unfold from within me.

We all have a story to tell, to share in a space that can help us heal instead of repeat the patterns. 

Everything I  learned, and continue to, about trauma came from living through a time where no one I  knew had a clue about it. Something in me woke up and went searching, yet again.

The searching is not knowing but doing it anyway.

The searching is where we befriend the power weve been taught to tame feel timid around. 

The searching is where we find what we sense is real but no one around us seems to be feeling.

The searching is what keeps us in love and opening our hearts again and again, no matter how many times they’ve been broken.

The searching is not a desperate path of finding something we dont have, but an uncovering of all weve put on.

An unleashing of who are in this moment, continually found, opening to uninhibited outcomes, ever searching for more, just like the soul. In the searching we learn to allow life to touch, move and heal us.

We learn that we can change, and that our mistakes are not what need to be written on our grave but what awakens the power wihtin us to love in ways we have ever seen.

The searching, is everything.

The searching is where we are found.

Join us for Divine Desire—pussy and poetry. what else could we ask for really…